REDEFINING MY SELF-WORTH:

As a younger self, my self-worth and value manifested externally: sports and academic awards; scholarships; children; husband(s); career changes and promotions.  I was valued for my ability, capacity to handle extra-large loads, integrity, care and compassion, smarts, ingenuity, drive, never say “no”.

The girls have grown and left. Husbands have been left behind and corporate careers have been put to bed. All those tangible markers that I could measure myself against – like the yardstick on the wall that measured your height as you were growing, are all gone. They were mirrors that shone my worth. All I had to do was look at them. There they were, shining back a reflection of a job well done - well, maybe not the husbands!

So what is left when the mirror is no longer there? What is my worth now?  Where and how do I redefine my self-worth?  Did I lose myself all those years ago being busy with the external forces of life?  Was there even a “self” that I could have cultivated given that I was so caught up with living/surviving life?  If there was, I didn’t take the time, didn’t have the awareness, didn’t have the tools.

Enter: yoga, lots of free time and the need to redefine my worth.  Yoga has been in my life since 1992 but I never allowed it to ‘enter’ me.  It was another external thing I did.  But you see, yoga plants its seed in you and spreads roots under the surface, like rhizomes, before it sprouts and grows into this beautiful vine that wraps you up in it, lovingly, masterfully, completely. Yoga shines the light inward.  Outward focus and attention is replaced with self-observation.  How am I feeling, reacting, relating not only to myself but to and with the outside world? 

That’s the beauty of yoga.  We step on the mat and if we allow it, our body and breath ask our mind to gently step aside, to allow us to feel all the feels, to become aware of what is happening right here, in this body, at this moment.  We become present.  Isn’t that where real life is anyway – right here, right now?

(picture credit: Balazs Weidner)